Wednesday, October 23, 2013

bench strength

as far as i could tell, the world kept spinning like it always had. there are moments when it just seems to stand still and the gravity of emotions all collapse onto you at once. i assure you, however, everyone else carried on as usual. i know this because i caught up with them eventually.  i looked back, and i couldn't remember who picked me up in the first place. 

weeks have lapsed since his passing, and it is still very hard to comprehend a four-letter word like gone. we've all spent those weeks developing strong opinions on life and the people within it, but the hardest emotions i've felt have accompanied the facts. they saw santucci walking alone. from there, three people made a decision. get him. a journalist sat behind a computer and recounted the facts for a newspaper article, telling the city a story of three people who made a decision. i'm here to tell one person's story of the consequences that followed that decision. though i am careful only to tell my story, i know the consequences have rippled well beyond my group of friends and me. 

there is some societal association between age and wisdom, but i submit to you that i learned more in one summer as a 19-year-old than i have in years of formal education. there isn't enough value placed on the conversations that occur off the radar with friends in the wee hours of the morning. it doesn't take a desk or a classroom to talk about the meaning of life. he was always willing to stay up for those chats. religion. politics. love. life. friends. he'd contribute now and then with such haunting simplicity.

what a gift - simplicity. i've never been any good at it. i prefer to complicate things with words to unpack a mind overwrought with thoughts. some call it coping, but it's all i know. i've always been a conversationalist of sorts, thriving off the thoughts and insights of others. so, while i do miss the big things like seeing him around on weekends, i cherish the small things - the times we spent debating the world and the injustices in it. i still don't have all the answers for you, friend. these days i'm just full of questions.

as far as i can tell, the world is still spinning like it always does, and i am carrying on as usual. i know this because i caught up with myself eventually. i looked back, and i knew exactly who picked me up in the first place. it was you, friend, with a legacy larger than life.

of all the comrades that e'er i had
they are sorry for my going away
and all the sweethearts that e'er i had
they would wish me one more day to stay
but since it falls unto my lot
that i should rise and you should not
i'll gently rise and i'll softly call
good night and joy be with you all

- ed sheeran
"the parting glass"

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