Monday, December 21, 2015

The Chronicles of a Not-Quite Mom

Sleeping: Dreaming. A very disjointed dream. My baby is born already in this dream. She has very light hair and a face I don't recognize. I love her, and I think she is a really cool, laid-back baby. The only problem is that I leave her everywhere. Mid-diaper change...and I go run an errand. Once I remember, I storm back home and find her exactly where I left her - half naked and asleep. Even my Dream Self thinks, "that ain't right." So, I dream vow to pay more attention. Then I end up somewhere else without her only to wonder hmm...I wonder where my daughter is....

Awake: 6:15A the alarm is going off. I hit the button to turn it off on my phone and cuddle the dog for 15 minutes. Because we fall asleep to Friends, SpongeBob SquarePants is on TV at this time of the morning. I had been up every 3 or so hours. Either my stomach (where my Dexcom adhesive is) was itching, my Dexcom was reading false lows and buzzing, or I was having reflux. I walk to the bathroom, Q-Tip my ears (sorry, nasty habit) and saunter to the kitchen. I make sure my iPad (this bad boy) is charged and set it on the kitchen table. I take out a pan, put it on low heat and melt a little bit of butter. While the butter melts, I put a new K-Cup in the Keurig. I get the eggs out of the refrigerator, crack one and pour it into the buttered pan. I do this twice for two fried eggs, over-medium. I microwave two pieces of bacon. While that is cooking, I snag a grapefruit from the refrigerator and cut it in half. Half goes in my bowl. The other half goes into a Ziplock and back into the refrigerator. I put a mug under the Keurig and brew the coffee. I take half of a pack of Stevia and put it on the grapefruit. The other half goes in my coffee. I grab the bacon and put it on my plate. I put all of this on the kitchen table, open my iPad and begin to write.

These days I am hyper-aware that my little dreams and routines are trying to prepare me for change. I am not sure it is possible to be that neglectful of a newborn - almost as improbable as my daughter having light hair and someone else's face, but my subconscious is either surfacing a fear or gently reminding me that my life isn't going to revolve around me anymore. I try very hard to remind myself, even in the little things, that it's all about to change. It is a luxury to wake up to my alarm, log decent amounts of sleep, have me-time to cook breakfast and sip coffee in front of my iPad. In this final trimester, I am trying to appreciate the ending to this chapter all while preparing for the next one. The good news is that I am flexible by nature. I don't adhere to a rigid morning routine or timeline. I don't get flustered when I brew coffee into non-existent mugs. I am thankful that I have a certain mechanism inside of me that filters out stress very well. Maybe it's because I know I am human. I will make mistakes, and I will not be a perfect mom. Thank goodness no one is keeping score. I don't approach this new chapter with dread, just awareness. I wanted these changes. I welcome these sacrifices because I think they will pale in comparison to the unconditional love you experience for your child.

I cannot wait to do life with her. Blunder through life with her. Win at life with her.

Off to shower for reasons that have nothing to do with urine, breastmilk or spit. Until March... (Right, Ashley? ...whose status partly inspired this post)

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